15 weeks

A few weeks ago JD and I decided that we wanted to go to an ultrasound outside our insurance so we can know sooner what we are having. So I found a place that does it for a reasonable amount of money. I was so nervous as the day came up. I was nervous that we wouldn't be having a boy...not that I wouldn't be happy with a girl, but I know how much my husband wants a son. And he was so sure that it was a boy that I was scared. So I was uber emotional that day. We went to a place called Baby's First Ultrasound in Riverside. And were in and out in a quick amount of time, as soon as the tech put the wand on my tummy she showed us that our little baby is a boy. We were so excited. We are planning his nursery and all that entails. Its so exciting. I already love him so much and can't wait to hold him. As the wand was on my belly she showed us how he was moving like crazy. And because she showed us I now know what it feels like to feel him moving around. Its so amazing.

Lets play catch up

Ok so I was looking over my previous blog post before the pregnancy announcement...and dang I was in a bad place. But so much has changes since then. So let tell you...

I did go and seek professional help. I met with a wonderful counselor and we talked about my pain. I had worried myself into depression and had a little bit of a chemical imbalance. My counselor gave me some tips to work thru my anxiety. They totally work. I still find myself worrying over things I have no control of but I just talk myself down and its all good.

One of the biggest contributors to my self-loathing was I was miserable in my own skin. I was embarrassed by how I looked and it made it so I didn't want anyone to talk to me or know I was married to JD because I felt he deserved someone better looking. My health was in shambles. I had bad high blood pressure, was pre-diabetic and weighed close to 300lbs. It was horrible. So I emailed my doctor and asked her for advice. She suggested me taking a health education course thru Kaiser. It was awesome. I started feeling better about me right away. I was changing how we were eating and thinking about food. I lost 18lbs through out the course and at the end was recommended to have weight loss surgery... I already knew I wanted it from the first class. So on February 24th I had vertical gastric sleeve surgery at Kaiser West LA. Since then I have lost a total of 87lbs. I am down to a size 8.

While losing weight wasn't just for looks I do like the way I look and feel about myself. Another awesome thing is I no longer have high blood pressure and am no longer a concern for diabetes. Of course all these things can change if I don't follow through with my complete lifestyle change.

Now I meal prep and exercise. Its so fun coming up with new recipes that are healthy and tasty. I love it. JD also has lost weight. And I no longer am depressed. Its just a wonderful thing to be able to get me in order. Especially now that I am pregnant.

Pregnant

5 weeks pregnant...

Its so wonderful and so scary to think I have a baby growing inside me. I already find myself falling in love and worrying over his/her health.

I think I am mainly scared because I have wanted this is badly for so long that if something were to happen I know how heartbroken I would be. But on the positive side I have no reason for alarm.

Is it weird but I feel my uterus growing? Not really but I do feeling something going on in my body...I am bloated and so tired. Like more tired than ever before, and the "joke" you think you are tired now...isn't funny?!? I am so excited for the process. I find myself cradling my tummy which is so silly since the baby is the size of an appleseed right now! I am not looking forward to morning sickness but I know its all apart of the process and hope I can get thru it with as much dignity and grace as possible!

JD tries to put on a brave face like he isn't super psyched like me...but I know he is excited too! He is going to be such a good daddy. He is taking such good care of me. He is helping me around the house more he is much more laid back and he is constantly telling me he loves me and asking how I am doing.

I am so grateful for him and to be able to have this experience with him. Hopefully I will get on here monthly to update on the growth and health of our little baby.

Down in the dumps

The last several months have been hard. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I want to happy, I want to be excited but it's hard to maintain that to feel it and to not talk myself out of it. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. Part of it is I am not living my truth...but there is something deeper a darkness I feel creeping on me. It's scary, like I feel everything and everyone I love will find out who I am inside and not love me because I don't deserve it. The thing is I know that is not true but I still feel it. I cry all the time, and when my husband asks why I can't articulate why? It is so frustrating for him. He doesn't understand crying and he especially doesn't get it when I can't tell him why...

But here's the thing, I have so much to be grateful for.
1. My husband
2. Our home
3. My family
4. His family
5. My friends
6. My job (even tho I hate it I am still grateful)
7. My fur babies
8. The gospel
9. Church
10. Agency
11. School
I can keep going. It makes me so miserable that I can't just snap out of this funk...that I can't just be HAPPY!

So it's time to do something. I am going to make an appointment with a professional and I am going to start on the path back to God. I know I was the happiest when I was doing what was right with God. And I know that only thru Him can I be healed. It's going be a long journey but each day I can make progress.

My husbands Birthday

I don't know if anyone else has a hubby that hates their birthdays as much as mine. He never let's me celebrate the special day he came into this world.  However, this year his mom, Cheryl, came to visit us. Our first real house guest! And somehow she convinced him to let us take him to the pirate show in Buena Park. It was a fun show. We both enjoyed the trapeze portion of the show. We took Grandpa John with us which is always a treat. 

Photo shoot with Nick

These are a few of my most favorite pictures from the shoot. Of course most of them are of the dogs or JD. But they look amazing. I can't wait to get them printed for the family picture wall. Plus Ian going to print some of them for family Christmas presents. 

 

I find this picture so becoming of my very attractive husband. His little beard is so sexy! I know TMI! But he looks so handsome. 

And this picture just makes my heart smile! 

Photo shoot by Nick D Photography

Jd and I helped out a friend and did a photoshoot. More pictures to come. 

We went to Big Bear Lake. It was such a beautiful day! The dogs loved the lake. Pretty sure Kodiak would have swam out if I didn't have him on a leash. Even Cali went out in the water. 

Below are a few pics from the shoot: 

I love the next picture of Cali. 

And a few pictures I snapped with my phone:

Kodiak and Cali

Ever since we moved we have noticed how lonely Cali has been so Jd and I decided to get a puppy. Jd searched the Internet for breeds that would be a perfect match for Cali and at the same time not be a big dog. He found a breed called Shiba Inu. They only get to around 20-25lbs and have a thick double layer of fur and are known to take down bears with their pack. So we set out to find them in our area. That's when I was told to take over the search and I found a breeder named Alma who lives in Corona. Our sweet Kodiak was born late January 19th and we were able to go see him February 2nd. We fell head over heels for him. Such an adorable and love able personality and even he is winning our dear Cali's heart. She is still skeptical of him but as he gets bigger so they can play then I know they will be the perfect match.

CRUISE: Mexican Riveria

Last May JD and I went on a cruise to the Mexican Riv. It was the most relaxing vacation I have ever had. Laying out by the pool, getting a massage with my mother-in-law, swimming with dolphins, walking around in cities that were exotic and different from anywhere else I have been. I can't wait until we embark on another cruise. Summer 2013!

Polar Bears

Ever since school at BYU-I I have loved a childrens book called Two Polar Bears. And with the love of that picture book I became obsessed with polar bears.

This morning on the news they shared the story about an orphaned polar bear from Alaska that is now in the Kentucky Zoo. I begged JD to take me there this summer...lets keep our fingers crossed.

Happenings of the last two weeks

We went to dinner with Jerry and Stacie. Afterwards, Jerry put two junior mints on either side of a tooth pick then pretended to be "lifting weights"...best thing ever!

Jd also got his stitches out. It had a little infection but other than a cool scar it had healed nicely.

Stitches

So as of late I have been having a bit of a dizzy spell. And to solve this I thought I would take a sleeping pill and then go to dinner with my wonderful hubby. Who would have known how the pill would affect me. Once we were done eating, we came home. JD stayed in the car to finish listening to a program on the radio and I came inside with the apartment keys. [See we only have one set, and I had them] Because I am a creature of habit I locked the door when I got inside and literally collapsed on the bed and passed out. I never heard what happened next.

JD tried to get into the apartment but the door was locked. After many attempts to knock on the door and ring the door bell he decided to walk around and knock on the window! And that is when the window decided to shatter and slice him. I can not even explain the amount of blood that gushed out...however I still did not wake up. By this time I think he was getting somewhat worried and so he came back around and round housed the door. He broke the door frame and still I did not wake up. He says that he literally had to shake me for me to wake up and then when I came to adrenline kicked in and it was time to take him to the hospital. 5 hours later JD emerged from the urgent care with 7 stitches.

The next day my brother came over and helped JD repair the damage. And JD is healing really well. It just looks nasty. I think he is hoping for a seriously cool scar.

Disneyland

Tower of Terror

California Adventure
Jerry hates this ride, but Stacie loves it! So they always go.

Jerry and Stacie invited us to come with them to Disneyland. I knew that if I asked JD the immediate answer would be NO!!! So instead I did what any smart wife would do and told my brother Jerry to call JD and invite him, that way JD could not say no. It worked!!!!

We had a great time. We went to both parks and actually rode tons of rides (my favorite Thunder Mountain)and I doubt I have ever stayed at Disneyland that long ever. And by the end of the day JD actually said, "[he] still hates Disney as a whole but he had a good time."

For lunch we went to the Blue Bayou and I can say that the Chicken Gumbo was by far the best thing to eat at Disneyland. It was fun to sit there and have our pictures taken by all of the wierd tourists who were riding the Pirates of the Carribean.

I am so grateful that Jerry and Stacie invited us and that JD had a good time....maybe he will want to go again one day. But I won't hold my breath!

Odd and Ends

JD's family came down for Easter. It was so much fun to spend time with them. Here we all are at Grandma and Grandpa Whites house for Easter dinner. It is always so nice to see JD's mom and step-dad. They are wonderful. I know that JD misses his family, and so it is always so nice when they are able to come down and visit from Grass Valley, or when we get the opportunity to go up there and visit them.

Mom was a "survivor" for the Relay for Life. It was a lot of fun. She had to walk a few laps and received treats from the various groups. It was very touching seeing all of the cancer survivors standing before the crowd for the opening ceremony. My Mother Dearest is a great woman and I don't know what I would do with out her. She is my Hero. I am grateful that her cancer is behind us and for the knowledge we have that "families can be together forever." Besides my loving husband, she is my rock and one of my greatest confidants.