The last several months have been hard. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I want to happy, I want to be excited but it's hard to maintain that to feel it and to not talk myself out of it. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. Part of it is I am not living my truth...but there is something deeper a darkness I feel creeping on me. It's scary, like I feel everything and everyone I love will find out who I am inside and not love me because I don't deserve it. The thing is I know that is not true but I still feel it. I cry all the time, and when my husband asks why I can't articulate why? It is so frustrating for him. He doesn't understand crying and he especially doesn't get it when I can't tell him why...
But here's the thing, I have so much to be grateful for.
1. My husband
2. Our home
3. My family
4. His family
5. My friends
6. My job (even tho I hate it I am still grateful)
7. My fur babies
8. The gospel
9. Church
10. Agency
11. School
I can keep going. It makes me so miserable that I can't just snap out of this funk...that I can't just be HAPPY!
So it's time to do something. I am going to make an appointment with a professional and I am going to start on the path back to God. I know I was the happiest when I was doing what was right with God. And I know that only thru Him can I be healed. It's going be a long journey but each day I can make progress.
