15 weeks

A few weeks ago JD and I decided that we wanted to go to an ultrasound outside our insurance so we can know sooner what we are having. So I found a place that does it for a reasonable amount of money. I was so nervous as the day came up. I was nervous that we wouldn't be having a boy...not that I wouldn't be happy with a girl, but I know how much my husband wants a son. And he was so sure that it was a boy that I was scared. So I was uber emotional that day. We went to a place called Baby's First Ultrasound in Riverside. And were in and out in a quick amount of time, as soon as the tech put the wand on my tummy she showed us that our little baby is a boy. We were so excited. We are planning his nursery and all that entails. Its so exciting. I already love him so much and can't wait to hold him. As the wand was on my belly she showed us how he was moving like crazy. And because she showed us I now know what it feels like to feel him moving around. Its so amazing.

Lets play catch up

Ok so I was looking over my previous blog post before the pregnancy announcement...and dang I was in a bad place. But so much has changes since then. So let tell you...

I did go and seek professional help. I met with a wonderful counselor and we talked about my pain. I had worried myself into depression and had a little bit of a chemical imbalance. My counselor gave me some tips to work thru my anxiety. They totally work. I still find myself worrying over things I have no control of but I just talk myself down and its all good.

One of the biggest contributors to my self-loathing was I was miserable in my own skin. I was embarrassed by how I looked and it made it so I didn't want anyone to talk to me or know I was married to JD because I felt he deserved someone better looking. My health was in shambles. I had bad high blood pressure, was pre-diabetic and weighed close to 300lbs. It was horrible. So I emailed my doctor and asked her for advice. She suggested me taking a health education course thru Kaiser. It was awesome. I started feeling better about me right away. I was changing how we were eating and thinking about food. I lost 18lbs through out the course and at the end was recommended to have weight loss surgery... I already knew I wanted it from the first class. So on February 24th I had vertical gastric sleeve surgery at Kaiser West LA. Since then I have lost a total of 87lbs. I am down to a size 8.

While losing weight wasn't just for looks I do like the way I look and feel about myself. Another awesome thing is I no longer have high blood pressure and am no longer a concern for diabetes. Of course all these things can change if I don't follow through with my complete lifestyle change.

Now I meal prep and exercise. Its so fun coming up with new recipes that are healthy and tasty. I love it. JD also has lost weight. And I no longer am depressed. Its just a wonderful thing to be able to get me in order. Especially now that I am pregnant.

Pregnant

5 weeks pregnant...

Its so wonderful and so scary to think I have a baby growing inside me. I already find myself falling in love and worrying over his/her health.

I think I am mainly scared because I have wanted this is badly for so long that if something were to happen I know how heartbroken I would be. But on the positive side I have no reason for alarm.

Is it weird but I feel my uterus growing? Not really but I do feeling something going on in my body...I am bloated and so tired. Like more tired than ever before, and the "joke" you think you are tired now...isn't funny?!? I am so excited for the process. I find myself cradling my tummy which is so silly since the baby is the size of an appleseed right now! I am not looking forward to morning sickness but I know its all apart of the process and hope I can get thru it with as much dignity and grace as possible!

JD tries to put on a brave face like he isn't super psyched like me...but I know he is excited too! He is going to be such a good daddy. He is taking such good care of me. He is helping me around the house more he is much more laid back and he is constantly telling me he loves me and asking how I am doing.

I am so grateful for him and to be able to have this experience with him. Hopefully I will get on here monthly to update on the growth and health of our little baby.

Down in the dumps

The last several months have been hard. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I want to happy, I want to be excited but it's hard to maintain that to feel it and to not talk myself out of it. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. Part of it is I am not living my truth...but there is something deeper a darkness I feel creeping on me. It's scary, like I feel everything and everyone I love will find out who I am inside and not love me because I don't deserve it. The thing is I know that is not true but I still feel it. I cry all the time, and when my husband asks why I can't articulate why? It is so frustrating for him. He doesn't understand crying and he especially doesn't get it when I can't tell him why...

But here's the thing, I have so much to be grateful for.
1. My husband
2. Our home
3. My family
4. His family
5. My friends
6. My job (even tho I hate it I am still grateful)
7. My fur babies
8. The gospel
9. Church
10. Agency
11. School
I can keep going. It makes me so miserable that I can't just snap out of this funk...that I can't just be HAPPY!

So it's time to do something. I am going to make an appointment with a professional and I am going to start on the path back to God. I know I was the happiest when I was doing what was right with God. And I know that only thru Him can I be healed. It's going be a long journey but each day I can make progress.